Okay enough Graphics and colors right how about a real update huh? Well lets work in reverse order. No wait that’s too hard I’ll start on Thursday night forward. (side note: I’m runnin on like 6 hours of sleep in the last 3 days so if this is hard to follow I’m sorry and those hours are only when I dropped from exhaustion I’ll explain why soon) Well Thursday I gave Kawaii a note stating to the Angel that if he did not make it more than crystal clear how he felt about me I was dropping him like a bad habbit because I’m tired of being ignored and taken for granted. So I’m online and Kawaii signs in and we talked for a bit and then she says the Angel had just walked in. So my pulse rate doubles easily and I spat good for him and he gets on and apologizes and blah blah blah and I acted as cold as humanly possible until I just couldn’t stand it and I told him even though I was mad with him I still loved him. So in anycase I got off and went to bed within a few minutes. The next morning (Friday) I didn’t expect a note (I try not to get my hopes up anymore) then Justin pulls an envelope out of his pocket(which I’m sure he read but I don’t give a damn) It was a three page letter for little old me and I was SO happy. I scared the hell out of Peter’s Love interest by actually being perky at 7 in the morning . Then Peter got a glomp and was like what in God’s name and I gave him the 411 and he seemed happy (I say seemed because I’ll explain later) The rest of the day was a natural high while others were down and out I forced them to be happy just for me. Which at lunch almost got me thrown into the water fountain. Well then I let Peter read my mail and well I’m sure he was happy that I was happy but something seemed a miss. Like he was thinking that this guy in no way had done anything to deserve me. Not jealousy, I think brotherly concern. So let me sum up what the note consisted of a full recount of the first time we held hands and then kissed. So that was like Wow he remembered all that. Then a promise that if he didn’t see me he’d come to my house and ask for my parents blessing on our marriage. Then a brief little blah thing on what he’s been doing that kept him from writing me a God damn note. Then that’s about it. So I asked Peter to read it in hopes of guidance as to how to answer to something like that. I mean to simply forgive him for all the crap he’s put me through in the last year is kind of being stupid. Then to simply deny him for being human and making mistakes would be completely heartless. I mean come on. But then Peter himself couldn’t give me guidance I mean I understand that he has never been in a situation like this but I see him as being extremely wise. I don’t think of it as him failing me I think of him being honest and saying I just don’t know. I shouldn’t depend so much on his opinion I feel that I perhaps am taking advantage of his loving nature I have to quit that Okay well now Saturday I worked on my power point (at like 4 am…) and after a few hours later Dan signed in and he wanted to know why I was so grumpy. Here’s the lack of sleep explanation. You see I think a lot of people are physic (not like Miss. Cleo call me now for your free reading) like I’ve met this person before or finishing people sentences or telling them about an event they’re about to tell you about. Or dreams coming true at random or visions when you touch certain people. Well stuff like that happens to me a lot and since I was young and I don’t like not knowing what’s happening in dreams because not understanding or misinterpreting a dream or denying a strong feeling can lead to people getting hurt or worse. So the last few nights I’ve been having BAD dreams and I have no clue how to interpret them. I mean like the dreams I’ve had involving other people like Kawaii and Ive I’ve understood (I think and hope) and issued warnings but the ones involving me have so many possible meanings I’m confused. Thus when I’m sick because I can’t figure them out or because my link is sick. It’s allergies but I don’t have any but my link is allergic to almost everything. My dreams (3 to be exact) are reoccurring and well one is fine but puzzling and the other two I wake up crying from. It’s driving me nuts. And lastly the last two days Saturday and Sunday have been spent cleaning the Nagasaki Shrine (a.k.a. my house) for the brief return of my father. I hope we don’t get in to a fight the short time he’s home. It’s not that we don’t get along it’s that we both have strong and stubborn personalities so it’s kinda like two storms waiting to happen. Or as Peter would call me a Fire waiting to ignite. I any case that’s the news… no wait Brie I got FY # 4 I haven’t read it yet cause I got an 8 hour road trip on Friday and I was wondering if I could burrow 2 and 3 for the trip. You can read 4 first as long as I get it by Thursday (I’m not going to school Friday)

Okay this is what I choose the Kamikaze Kaito Jeanne. It took me a while to do this so don't bash too hard. I had an awesome day today It was fabulous I'll write about it tomorrow morning I'm too tired to do it now. So if stuff doesn't work you know where to find me. Don't go into Archives thought that place is kinda iffy on actually working right. Well yeah tired beyond words but happy.

Ahh so tired...due to extensive testing and emotional instablitily (which will end by April 5th) I have been to lazy to write what's been going on. Slacker, slacker, slacker. WEll good news since most of the gang have gone Angel Sanctuary in Theme of website( but each one it unique and beautiful in their own way--just like they're creators) I have been mixing up a magical brew to get my website to evolve. The Music Video from Japanese Class provoked this motivation for change. I've thrown together various colors and picture combinations and come up with two canidates for the site theme. One is Clover and the other is Kamikaze Kaito Jeanne. To tell the truth I have not clue what either of these animes are about but since the art work suited my taste I did it anyway. Well that's it for now the new theme will be up soon. Everyone look foward to that okay?! Oh Peter new developments have occured with the Angel I'll fill you in later.
~Kim~

I'm in the middle of reformating so if things don't work e-mail me at
melancholy_angel@anime-genesis.com

Okay well...let's treat today like a simple update not an emotional whirl wind. Today Kawaii informed me that the Angel was in denial and I don’t mean the river in Egypt. I mean and that really shook my “I don’t need him I’ll be fine” attitude. Like the “I don’t need him” attitude revolved around “well he doesn’t need me (He has Kawaii probably loves her more anyway) why should I be so dependent on him?” Then hearing that it’s not that he doesn’t care it’s that he cares too much. At least that’s the way I see it that he cares too much to accept that fact that I maybe walking out of his life forever. Then again as one person said he could just want me to be there like I’ve always been, his little loving pet.

In other news, Peter’s Love Interest was the biggest sweetheart today. I’m starting to see what Peter sees in him. He made me feel so much better. I mean he was so caring, so not his usual self you know? And well that helped me so much. Plus he and Peter called me pretty something I don’t see myself as but you know I guess I’ll have to take there words for it. I’ve been called everything today from pretty to beautiful to being a flame to being an angel not of happiness and joy but of truth. I’m tired and I don’t know what to think.

Well Peter I have to say this for Queer as Folk if you take out all the graphic sex (which is 30 minutes of a 45 minute show) and leave the relationship between Justin and Bryan (something I feel a connection to and I don’t know why) and leave Emmett it will be a good show…of course not many people would watch. Another thing I get what you’re saying about “ugh” TV has kinda made getting laid (mind you I consider this to be on the extreme end of the spectrum with it’s opposite being making love) the main quest in the video game of life (not just a minuet side quest)

Peter sweetheart you know what if you’re lacking in family come wedding day (GOD!!! I wanna see the hottie you pick to be the one!!) I’ll bring my Latino band wagon (okay hun in cousin’s alone we’d have 17 bare minimum so if they all brought a guest 34 so yeah don’t doubt!) And if they won’t come I’ll be there mind you all probably be all alone and bitter that someone finally roped in Peter(and he better be like the reincarnation of Jebus Crust before I okay him!)

The sad thing here is that I think Peter will get married and start a happy life before me. I mean Peter’s such an open person he’d easily find someone to care for him. Me on the other hand doubt that anyone could find me worth taking notice of let alone spending the rest of their life with me. *Long ponderous silence* Well Peter said I have good taste in men at least visually *forced smile* I guess I might find someone…..not the one I really want but someone. Look guys this is getting really taxing and I feel really wistful so I know Peter is most likely the one reading this I guess I’ll share a little fantasy of mine.

I want a house by the shore with a garden in the back yard with a swing that hangs from a tree. The swing is big enough for two people to sit in and look out over the garden. All sorts of blue, violet, and red colored flowers will grow there. Then our room will have a sliding glass door facing east toward sunrise over the water and every morning I’ll lay there with the arms of the man I love wrapped around me watching the sun come up once more and thanking God for one more day with my Angel…..

It’s a simple fantasy, but I guess it’s not that simple when you think of all the things that need to happen to have that. Then again *sigh* it’s just another Illusion of Love…..

Well here we are I’m not going to tell you about the trip to the mall I’ll let Peter handle that via visual aids. I will say this The Tae Kwon Do Bird (Ive you know who I’m talking about) was there and he asked me to get coffee with him.(OMG!!!) and he kept trying to start up a conversation with me, which wasn’t gonna happen because I had the biggest crush on him (well his body more than his personality because he was such an ass) freshman year but he always ignored me. Also I refused to leave Peter I mean Peter’s my friend and abandoning him would have been wrong. Okay well yesterday I went shopping with my mom. Oh and before I get into that KEITH I AM SO SORRY!!!!! Okay here’s what happened me and my mom we’re kinda having at it and well she stormed off threatening to leave me there and I see Keith all of a sudden (lookin’ wicked cute!) and the pokes my tummy (that made the anger at my mom just go poof!) and I kinda had to blow him off and I felt SOOO BAD (I cried out of guilt later) Well let me explain why. Keith is like one of the last straight not taken (I hope) guys that are sweet. I mean he’s so nice and funny and no I don’t have a crush on him I just think he’s great guy. I plan to cheer for him when I dawn my kimono and cheer for the CHS Japanese class students. Keith the brave boy (I mean he’s not the best student like Peter but he's so brave) is reciting a poem in Japanese, writing a poem in Japanese, and I think one other event I can’t remember but I mean WOW. If Peter is a mountain then Keith is a plateau but he still tries and I really look up to him for that. I plan to beg for forgiveness on Monday when he’s at his locker and give him a hug. Okay now that I’ve kinda made myself feel better I still need to apologize and things though I’ll tell you what I bought. The cutest little skort (yes that’s spelled right) in the world and this shirt that goes perfect with it. It is like a foot too short for me to wear to school but I’m gonna go for it anyway. Oh and Peter SHAME ON YOU!! You totally took my Angel Sanctuary theme*tears* but I forgive you cause it looks nice on yours. I might have to totally redo mine and if I do I think I’ll go to Ah My Goddess or Fushigi Yuugi I mean it took me 4 hours to get mine like this so new pictures and colors are gonna be a big pain. Oh well I guess I’ll just deal with it though. That won’t be happening anytime soon but I hate Peter’s looking like mine it erks me since he’s had his longer and it just looks nice it makes mine look like a sad imitation. Peter I’m not trying to make you feel bad I’m just whining I’ll live I just need time to plan.

Hey well the field trip to Andersonville wasn't that bad...it was worse. I got split up from my friends and it drove me nuts. I especially wanted to talk to Peter yesterday but of course I got stuck with people I wasn't angry at just trying to avoid comunication with. Then our bus got back first and we had to wait 30 minutes for the other bus to get there and when it did I was soooo happy!! I got to see Peter and it was the sweetest thing the boy ran to me as if all life depended on it. I felt so special!!! Then he wrote me a note and I found out so many things about him it was so touching. Now we're planing on hitting the mall tomorrow so we can unwind after a rough week of midterms. I have straight median and/or low A's in all my classes and Peter has sky high A's in his classes so that should be no problem. So today on the bus ride poor Kitsune got a guitar pick thrown down her low cut shirt. Thankfully it was just a joke between friends so she took it with a good attitude and didn't kill poor Justin. Also I got Peter's love interest so mad today it was completely innocent and he blew it out of proportion. I took his keys so he couldn't scratch me with them at teasers today and then when he wasn't looking I slipped them to Peter. So of course the L. I. (Love Interest) blew a gastket at me and got the teacher on me I emptied my pockets and showed him I didn't have then and the teacher let it go but he wouldn't. I had given them to Peter because if he was anything like me he probably thought up a million little make-believe sequences as to why he had his L. I.'s key's in his pocket. Like perhaps a romantic get together, or an intimate incounter or just a innocent let's have dinner, but eventually we had to give the keys back so whether he had dream sequences or not they were short lived. I wish Peter's love interest wasn't so (I can't think of a singel word there are many so randomly place on here) I mean he acts different when he thinks no one's watching or when there's just 2 or 3 people but the rest of the time he...well he makes a fool of himself. Then again Love being the complex Illusion it is no matter what wrong the person we've fallen for has done we still see them as perfect. It's so annoying. Well now I'm going to go now and wait for Peter to call to plan the details of tomorrow's mall trot. Later~
~Kim~

Firstly thank you Dan for comforting me while I wrote this entry because it was kinda painful bring back all these memories
Thank you

Ahhh fo those of you that don't know Pete's love interest has fallen under the Rat bastard section of men.

Well Peter in an attempt to make you feel better I'll air out my personal life...
Once upon a time I fell in love in the 7th grade with this captivationg and senious creature that I have called since that day the Angel
He knew I had feelings for him and yet I was always helping find a girlfriend or help him with his parents and I never judged him. He was the type that people take one look at and brand a trouble maker, but I saw that there was so much more there than that. He would always say "Kim there's this girl I kinda like" and I'd say "Who?" and withing a day or two he'd have his girlfriend. And so was our simple waltz that lasted about a year and a half. Then came the end of 8th grade when we were all doomed to go to our seperate high schools. That day I promised myself I would't cry and I didn't until the precious last few moments when I saw him waiting for me at my locker. I realized that this might be the last time I'd see him and I fell into his arms crying. He comforted me and soothed me and then did something I'd wished for for so so long. He kissed my cheek and told me he loved me.

The first few weeks of summer were difficult then out the blue he calls me. The call consisted of how much he missed me and that he wished he could see me. So near the end of the call he goes "There's this girl I have a crush on." So I go "Who?" "You" So there was a long shocked moment then he asks me if I'll be his girlfriend and of course I say "YES!!" The relationship lasted two months, holding hands in June and watching fire works, my very first kiss in July, then on August 30th, my birthday, he calls and says the distance is difficult that we never see each other anymore and that it was time to end it. So I had the same feelings and it was a neutral break up. Then on his birthday he had a bash and I went and he pulled me aside and said he was an idiot and that he wanted me back. I told him no since we never saw each other. At the end of the party I pecked his lips good bye and told him I loved him, which I later found out form a friend left him in a sate of shcok.

We talked a few times during break and then summer or 2001 came and we talked everyday on the phone. Some how his conversation always went back to when we were married. Then one day I asked him what made him think I'd marry him so he asked and I said yes. Later we went and saw a movie with some friends had a few semi chance incounters and that's where the fairy tale ends.

My parents hated him for the simple reason that he was a boy I liked and he liked me back so they made me call him and tell him that we could never see/tale or write to each other again (side note during the two summers I'd written him 2 hundred letters and he'd only written me 4 this will be important later) So the silence lasted a month until on his birthday I sent him a present and his mom found it and called my mom getting me into even more trouble. So later he wrote me about how he still planned on marrying me no matter what...that seems so long ago...it seems times have changed...now he's fallen for my best friend and I'm leaving in 5 months.

So I tell him via not that I'm leaving and I get an e-mail last Wednesday. I expected a heartfelt torn letter with crazy schemes on ways that I could stay here, but instead I got a letter about how great Kawaii was and how he may marry her. (Side note importance: he's written her somewhere between 5-7 notes/letters) I cried for two hours and I'm mad at him right now. But I know if I saw him I'd fall into his arms and cry. Yes Peter this is my softer side the side that the violence and hate try to hide because I've falen in love with something I can never have. And so comes the name for this place. It started the day I got that aweful e-mail Wedensday March the 13th because
Love is Only an Illusion

State of exhaustion....Peter I am soo sorry I wasn't at school today when I read your I love school thing I felt like the 10 ton sumo wrestler of guilt (TM) had fallen on me. But I do have a ligitamet reason. You know that thing my brother had...well in all his grace he passed it to me. So since 1 in the morning I have been praising the porclean God know as the toliet. I haven't been able to keep a single thing down and all day and I'm sleepy but can't fall alseep. In the name of all things good and Holy someone shoot me now and put me out of my misery. Oh and the Friday movie thing should be fine I'll ask today just let me know when, where, who, what movie those questions that all parents ask. Well now I'm gonna go and lay down and try to rest bye~
~Kim~

Sunday the day of rest...or at least that's what it's suppose to be. Unfortunately I couldn't.
I spent the hours from 9-11am at the hospital. No one worry I'm okay my brother was the one who was in need of medical assistance. He has that bug that everyone's been getting and I think there's two now. One that consists of a cold and fever and the other of vomiting and the runs...well my brother got both at the same time. The child is only 6 and well I have to say he took his illness like a man. Either way if you've ever been to the Military Hospital the wait is at least an hour and that's if there's no one there. I spent a lovely hour there and served no purpose whatsoever except entertaining my brother. Once they called him as you know siblings are not allowed only parents or guardians. So for the next 2 hours I got to sit in the waiting room with next to nothing to do. For the first hour I listened to (and bless you Peter for letting me burn this) Gundam Wing Operation 1. The quiter violin filled tracks not the more guitar ones. The violin just seemed to be appropriate. Then a gentle faced black woman I'm guessing in her late 40s earlier 50s sat next to me and being polite I decided to take of my headphones. Well as soon as I did this she struck up a conversation with me involving schools of her day and schools now. She said that she thought the SAT was a crock because it was putting a child's entire future on one test not their overall grades and achievements. So she sat and talked to me until they called her--the poor woman had twisted her ankel so I absolutley HAD to help her. As she was going in my brother was comming out. I told her it had been a pleasure talking with her and that I hoped I'd see her again. She then complimented my mother on what a polite child she had raised and bid me a good day. So the trip to the hospital wasn't a complete waiste of time.

Peter
From Bob and Sheri a must have just to hear Sheri's famous word..."Evil Rat~Bastard"

My goodness doesn't Peter look oh so rapeable in his little edited picture
from Japan Bowl. Peter, Peter, Peter how you tease ^-~
Anyway well I asked Dan to check and see if the site was in working order
and he says the pictures don't workso if they don't please e-mail so I can
figure out what the problem is. I'm still new to the html game so have mercy.
Well today Kawaii came over causing leauges of embarassment. I was
doing chores in my nocturnal attire (my PJs) when she rings the door bell.
Thoughtlessly I open the door and well there she was. I quickly realized
1)I had no bra (hey those things are uncomfortable to sleep in)
2)I was in boxershorts(I have nice legs they just happen to be unshaven
in the last 2 weeks so they were the tiniest bit furry)
3) I looked like HELL
So the bra thing wasn't a problem until she tickled me and well I moved
and well she tried to play it off. She left my legs alone but complemented
me on my boxers.(Heaven forbid she tells the Angel) So the reason she
was there was she had to drop off a pinata for Kitsune. Kawaii doesn't
have a clue in Hellas to where Kitsune lives. So of course I had to play
messenger girl and take it to Kitsune. (Yes I did get dressed) and well
Kitsune too was not looking as imaculate as she would on any weekday.
Today instead of her traditional short and tight shirt
(the girl is like size 1 she has the figure to wear that)and tight stylish
pants, she was wearing an over-sized t-shirt and jeans with no extras
(no butterflies, no glitter, plain jeans) So in conclusion I believe that
the weekend is truely a time when we all look like we just woke up
even if we woke up 8 hours ago. So in other words never answer the
door on Saturday. Well that's it for now tell me what you think of the site.
~Later~
~ Kim~

Hey
It's Saturady now and I finally figured out how to get my site just the way I wanted it thanks
to Peter.
Doomo arigato gozaimasu Peter-kun!
Your site totally cleared up my confusion but as you said it's mainly trial and error....about 4
hours of trial and error.
Well other than the pictures everything was super easy. It took me a while to find pictures
that didn't look all deflicked when I shrank them or made them bigger. Major pain there.
As to what was posted yesterday there have been no new developmentssince it's the
weekend and everyone is either at church, sleeping, Wal*Mart, or like me messing up
there webpages.
Well other than that there's nothing going on today. Oh those links on the side are anime
shrines of value and Peter's Place (everyone click Seraph's Atelier now his site is a million times nicer
than mine) Well that's all for now bye~
~Kim~

[3/15/2002 7:37:44 AM | Kim Hernandez]
Well well well it's now Friday and thank God becuase it's been a long week.

Mainly Kawaii has realized that the constant extremely detailed information about the relationship
she has with the Angel is putting a strain on our friendship. Also the Angel has in many ways
fallen from grace due to the fact that he knows I am leaving and he may never see me again.
Instead of perhaps writing me a torn and heartfelt e-mail he writes and tells me that perhaps I
may not be his only choice for a bride that Kawaii too has moved in on his marital list. Well of
course that's never a good thing to hear so I cried for an hour wrote a nasty e-mail (that later got
lost so thus never sent) and then got over it (thanks to Dan) and that was about the way I spent
Wednesday.

So the next morning(Thursday) I informed Kawaii of his compashionless e-mail and that I was
thouroughly hurt as well as having a burning earge to slash the seats in his car, his tires, take a
bat to his windows, and key the sides of his car. I'm not going to say I've calmed down because
that would be a flat out lie. Well later that day Kawaii told me that news of his e-mail had shot her
day to hell and I was like sorry but since I thoroughly insulted her online to Dan in the mist of
anger I kinda owed her an apology but she wouldn't understand why unless I explain. Last night I
yelled at Dan because well he was treating me in the same fashion that the Angel was treating
me.

Oh on a funnier note Kitsune's....boyfriend that is in serious trouble was wearing pink this moring.
Funny funny. So now it's Friday and hopefull everything is right in the world.

NO WAIT IT'S NOT I HAVE A KANJI TEST IN JAPANESE I NEED TO STUDAY FOR!!! Later ppl ~
~Kim~

Well well well it's now Friday and thank God becuase it's been a long week.

Mainly Kawaii has realized that the constant extremely detailed information about the relationship she has with the Angel is putting a strain on our friendship. Also the Angel has in many ways fallen from grace due to the fact that he knows I am leaving and he may never see me again. Instead of perhaps writing me a torn and heartfelt e-mail he writes and tells me that perhaps I may not be his only choice for a bride that Kawaii too has moved in on his marital list. Well of course that's never a good thing to hear so I cried for an hour wrote a nasty e-mail (that later got lost so thus never sent) and then got over it (thanks to Dan) and that was about the way I spent Wednesday.

So the next morning(Thursday) I informed Kawaii of his compashionless e-mail and that I was thouroughly hurt as well as having a burning earge to slash the seats in his car, his tires, take a bat to his windows, and key the sides of his car. I'm not going to say I've calmed down because that would be a flat out lie. Well later that day Kawaii told me that news of his e-mail had shot her day to hell and I was like sorry but since I thoroughly insulted her online to Dan in the mist of anger I kinda owed her an apology but she wouldn't understand why unless I explain. Last night I yelled at Dan because well he was treating me in the same fashion that the Angel was treating me.

Oh on a funnier note Kitsune's....boyfriend that is in serious trouble was wearing pink this moring. Funny funny. So now it's Friday and hopefull everything is right in the world.

NO WAIT IT'S NOT I HAVE A KANJI TEST IN JAPANESE I NEED TO STUDAY FOR!!! Later ppl ~
~Kim~

Okay so that first one was a screw up and just a test hey how about some character analyzis?
There are like a million people I'm gonna mention in the course of all this but here are the main people:

1) Peter---the gorgeous Blue Eyes(he looks like a young Frank Sinara) let me in on this place and is my Japanese class favorite

2)Angel---this is a codename for the undefined love interest

3)Dan---Online Therapist that has tender feelings for me; provided emotional support and comfort in tiems of need

4)Liz---Crazy Lizard that lives up the street that is pratically adopted family; semi love interest of Josh

5)Josh---Big brother (not really but that's what he does) provides comfort and emotional support;love interest ong Liz

6)Val---the firece Kitsune (Fox) and Bunny Bitch extraordianair and good friend

7)Q---the semi self centered Kawaii (Cute) causing at the time confusion and once good friend no seemingly drifting away

As to who I am well let's say that in the entries you will read you'll find out the good, the bad, and the ugly. Self analysis is never very acturate so I'll let you make the calls